It hardly bears mentioning that the housing market is lackluster. It's especially a bummer if you're moving but your house isn't.
But then, it's not all doom and gloom if you happen to be Catholic. Catholics have the inside corner on selling their home by drawing a deep supernatural breath and burying a statue of Saint Joseph, headfirst next to the "For Sale" sign.
I wouldn't presume to explain, let's hear it from Stephen J. Binz, Catholic author of the runaway least seller, "St. Joseph, My Real Estate Agent" (Servant Publications, 2003). This page-turner is available on Amazon for a mere $8.99 in paperback, no Kindle edition yet.
In the space of a few short months, Binz went from a mere nobody with a home for sale, to a well-heeled biblical author and psychotherapist with a home for sale. Here's the enviable part: He did it all with help from the devil. No, just kidding, he did it the old-fashioned way, by tapping into that market of folks P.T. Barnum claimed were born every minute. Adding dimension to his product line, Binz offers his sales kit for a mere $12.95 plus shipping and handling. The kit consists of not only his runaway least-seller, but also a 6-inch plastic statue of the Patron Saint of Realtors, Saint Joseph, along with appropriate prayers to pump the process to a higher plane.
If you act quickly, you will also receive a genuine bag to place the statue in before burying. Actually, I'd bet you'll get the burial bag if you act slowly, too.
Binz implores you to buy his book and statues, saying, "There are times when we all need the prayers and aid of others. If you truly believe you will sell your house, you will!" Binz went on to modestly qualify his least-seller adding, "Of course, we defined our market as religious nuts in a financial jam grasping at straws, but in that demographic, we have no peers." That last quote's a lie; I made it up.
Other entrepreneurs soon followed suit. Amazon lists about 75 competing Saint Joseph sales kits. But there seems to be some overlap. The Original Saint Joseph Sales Kit is competing with the Authentic Saint Joseph Sales Kit. There's even a biodegradable Eco-Joe. Incidentally, a pack of 12 Authentic Kits will only set you back $77.18, the perfect gift for busy realtors in a Catholic neighborhood.
Binz admits that the buried statue isn't enough. There's one more thing we need to make it work. We must have sublime faith that the buried statue will actually produce a willing buyer standing on your front porch. If you doubt for the slightest moment that burying a statue of Saint Joseph will sell your house, you've queered the deal and wasted a perfectly good statue. No buyer for you. Your faith is too weak. Had your faith been true, you could have gotten top dollar, but you blinked and the buyers all went next door, just as the owner of that house believed they would.
OK, the mansion has been on the market forever. Nary a nibble. Do not despair. One of the kits also has a second statue, that of Saint Jude, the patron saint of impossible causes.
Saint Joseph actually has a dual role in the saintly pantheon; that of the patron saint of an easy demise. I point this out just in case selling your home is going to be the death of you.