Boy! Talk about averting your eyes. Do yourself a favor and never, ever, look at the personal ads on Craigslist, even though a single glance would probably widen those eyes, if not your horizons. One has to feel sorry for those poor, lonely, souls advertising for companionship in the classifieds. They wouldn’t buy a car sight-unseen, but they will entrust their life to strangers — strangers who could very well be spending their days in a darkened basement, wearing night vision goggles and wiping drool as they dress gerbils in tiny latex jumpsuits. That kind of blind trust might also believe that Jeffrey Dahmer suffered from a mild eating disorder.
A lot of the folks reading the classifieds are unemployed. Chances are high your potential new date was looking to break into the exciting field of fast-food service, but your ad was on the next page. No doubt, there’s a potential dishwasher out there who would consider wrecking your car, ruining your credit, and trashing your life as an equally attractive career track.
“Financially Secure” is a recurring theme in these ads. I hate to break it to you, but financially secure people read the Wall Street Journal, not the Craig’s List personals. You’d be better off trying to strike up a conversation with a gunshot victim lying on a gurney in a doctor’s office; at least you can be reasonably certain they have insurance, no mean feat in this day.
Many of these ads are sexually oriented. Like so: WHWM seeks WFBW for possible LTR, 420 excellent, enjoys Edith Piaf and cross-dressing peacock orgies w/ latex inflatables, please, no weirdos.
I hate being the one to break it to you there are no white picket fences in this picture! Let me help you with some true meanings of significant words you will find in these ads:
RECENT DIVORCEE — put the wedding ring in the back pocket
SINGLE — she changed the locks again
LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP — may not outlive the expiration date on the milk
MATURE — able to take short steps away from walker
FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT — owns TV outright
WEALTHY — owns TV and DVD player
FREE SPIRIT — on work release program
YOUTHFUL APPEARANCE — wears a rug
THIN — recovering anorexic
SLIM — mostly able to keep gut sucked in
TRIM — cannot keep gut sucked in
WELL-PROPORTIONED — cannot see shoes
40 SOMETHING — waist size
ACTIVE — still able to get to mailbox for social security check
OUTDOOR TYPE — homeless
EASY GOING — Prozac maintenance
STABLE — might refer to living quarters
YOUTHFUL— can hum many Paul Simon songs
ENJOYS CLASSICAL MUSIC — owns four Beatles CD’s
And who writes these ads anyway? I suspect half are written by perverts trolling for prey and the other half are written by cops trolling for perverts. But they make interesting reading, if only for that smug satisfaction that comes with being a WHSWM in a world of BWSF/CURIOUS.
It’s so comforting to know that there are lonelier and sicker people out there than we are. By the way, that wasn’t your ad I was reading, was it?