Central View: Are you ready for some Fantasy Politics?
Ryan Summerlin September 12, 2013
Lots of folks play Fantasy Football these days. How about some Fantasy Politics? A future White House press briefing might go like this:
“Ladies and gentlemen: I am the new president’s press officer. If y’all think I’m some redneck you see on reality TV, then that’s y’all’s problem. The president directed me to tell y’all to expect some major changes. For notepaper, y’all can use the back of them Democrat National Committee Talking Points y’all rely on. They ain’t nothing but male bovine excreta, anyway.
“First of all, the president ain’t gonna be issuing a bunch of executive orders that’s contrary to the U.S. Constitution. So, all them previous 900 or so executive orders are hereby null and void. As for all them 49 or so unconstitutional political czars, they’s all lookin’ for jobs.
“If the people want a particular action taken, they need to contact their members of Congress and maybe we’ll git-er-done. In fact, the president has sworn to faithfully execute all the laws. No more pickin’ and choosin.’ Speaking of Congress, the president won’t sign any legislation that does not apply to everyone in the United States, to include members of Congress.
“As for the Supreme Court, the president suggests they go back applyin’ the Constitution to their decisions. Of course, being a separate branch of government, that’s up to them. But the Supremes would be well-advised to stop inventin’ stuff that ain’t in the U.S. Constitution. You J-school grads, listen up. The Supremes ain’t some Mo-town singin’ group.
“Regardin’ the Joint Chiefs of Staff and all them generals and admirals, the president is going to make some really stupid proposals that have nothin’ to do with combat readiness but have to do with social and political correctness. The generals and admirals who tell him he is full of male bovine excreta will stay on. The wimps who tell the president his ideas are the greatest thing since von Clausewitz will join the previous president on the golf course. As for foreign and military policy: If it ain’t a vital national interest — such as freedom-of-the-seas — it’s just more male bovine excreta.
“Also, those Republicans-In-Name-Only might as well join the other party. No more White House dinners for them. The president needs men and women of principle. And no more usin’ Air Force One as a political payoff machine. “As for health care, the system installed by the previous president stuck all the taxpayers with the health insurance tab for all the non-taxpayers. But the new system doesn’t provide affordable, quality health care. Meanwhile, until the president gets that sucker repealed, the poor folk are stuck with it.
“Notice the British Royals used a private clinic to birth their new prince, not their crappy National Health Service. As for our rich folk, they can fly off to Thailand or the Cayman Islands and get all the health care they need. Stand by for a plan that uses the forces inherent in the free-market to produce an affordable health-care system.
“On immigration, them who have been standin’ in line the longest will get the consideration they deserve. If illegal immigrants want to stay here and they get caught, they go to the very back of the line.
“Okay. That’s it. I know all ya’ll have deadlines. Please, no more male bovine excreta.”
Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, was educated at the University of Oklahoma, the George Washington University, the U.S Naval War College, the University of Nebraska, and Harvard University.