Central View: GOP punts on third down in ‘ObamaCare Bowl’
Ryan Summerlin October 1, 2013
Football may be the best way to explain what happened last week down on the playing field of the U.S. Senate. The Gasping Gopers were playing the Demo Donkeys. Although out-numbered 54 to 46, the Gopers’ sensational rookie quarterback, Ted Cruz, got the ball and held onto it for 21 hours and 19 minutes in the hope of running out the clock on the Donkeys, forcing the Donkeys to negotiate the rules changes being demanded by the fans of both teams.
In fact, the locker rooms of both teams were being deluged with letters, phone calls, and e-mails from every state, demanding that the rules be made more fair and more workable for all.
While QB Cruz held the ball, he got help from fellow Gopers: Inhofe, Lee, Paul, Roberts, Rubio, Sessions, and Vitter. Unfortunately, some of the Gopers claimed they had the vapors or something that kept them on the sidelines.
QB Cruz was doing great until Harry Reid, the player-coach of the Donkeys, used a trick play to get the ball away from Cruz. But the Gopers were not defeated -— yet. The Gopers knew they could get the ball back and, if they stood solidly together, the Donkeys would have to give in to the demands of their fans and negotiate a fairer set of rules.
But in the Gopers’ locker room player-coach Mitch McConnell said the game had gone on long enough and it was time to give the ball over to the Demo Donkeys. QB Cruz and crew objected saying, “Wait. We have several more downs to play. Sure, the Donkeys have us outnumbered. But if we can keep the game going long enough, the Donkeys will have to start listening to their fans and join with us to achieve a fairer set of rules for everyone.”
“Nope,” said player-coach McConnell. “We are going to punt. Ever since I’ve been your player-coach, punting has been the best part of our game. You see, as long as the Donkeys have the ball, we Gopers don’t run the risk of a fumble.”
“But we can never score that way,” protested Cruz
“Scoring is not objective,” said McConnell. “The objective is to get to stay in this nice, warm locker room and enjoy the whirlpool baths, the massages, and other health benefits our fans don’t have. So, when I can get the ball back, I am going to punt. Even on third down and short.”
“Third down!” cried Cruz and crew. “We should at least go down fighting!”
Nevertheless, player-coach McConnell got 25 Gopers to punt the ball back to the Donkeys who not only kept the old rules but used their numbers to change the rules, making them even more unfair.
Back home, the fans (more likely former fans) of McConnell and his ilk were outraged. They started looking for college talent to replace the “punters” in the semi-final game in 2014 and in the championship game in 2016. If any of the 25 punters had Super bowl aspirations (John Thune comes to mind), they had just booted them away.
When the game was over, the Donkeys awarded the game ball to the Goper’s Mitch McConnell. Inscribed on the ball were the words: “Now, you own it.”
Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, was educated at the University of Oklahoma, the George Washington University, the U.S Naval War College, the University of Nebraska, and Harvard University.