The Friday Report: Bidding farewell to Bachmann
Ryan Summerlin June 6, 2013
In an unprecedented display of bipartisanship, Minnesota’s Michele Bachmann announced on Facebook last week that if eight years were good enough for President Obama then it was good enough for her too. She’s calling it quits at the end of her fourth, two-year term and will not seek reelection. She did not mention that the FBI is mounting evidence of secret payoffs, money laundering and mail fraud related to her presidential challenge. When a reporter mentioned this to her, Michele simply explained that anyone who questioned her record was a liar.
Pundits and late-night talk show hosts will mourn her exit; the woman spouted inane profundities like the Bellagio Fountains. She brought many new facts to light that the world was unaware of. She explained to us how the cervical cancer vaccine causes mental retardation. Thanks in part to her, vaccination rates are remarkably low. Experts blame figureheads like Bachmann who express ignorant opinions in public.
Global warming is not just wrong or based on hand-wringing opinions of goateed guys in lab coats, she claims, global warming is a hoax, perpetrated upon America by a cabal of scientists trying to justify research grants. Carbon dioxide, Michele says, is perfectly harmless and a natural by-product of nature, nothing to fear.
Her awkwardly phrased bill, The Emergency Energy Cut the Red Tape Now Act of 2009, would have allowed exploratory drilling just to see, if maybe, there was oil somewhere, anywhere, in a National Park or Wildlife Refuge. Whoa! That would be a boon to Grand Lake.
She was surprised in a speech in Waterloo, Iowa, at the crowd’s stunned silence when she claimed to have the same spirit as John Wayne. Trouble was that the Waterloo John Wayne was John Wayne Gacy, the Iowa Clown Killer who murdered 33 boys. John Wayne, the actor, grew up in another town across the state.
She expressed her concern for the environment often, sponsoring a bill to permit logging projects and other “unspecified” commercial purposes in the Lower St. Croix Wild and Scenic River. She showed the daring fiscal restraint in trying to balance the budget by freezing the pay of all civilian employees of the Federal Government.
Her signature bill, the School Choice for Foster Kids Act would have paid private-school tuition and transportation for families providing temporary homes for foster children. She introduced this bill twice but like all of her other bills, it died in committee. Michele, incidentally, has five natural and 23 foster children. For raising those foster children, the state of Minnesota has paid the Bachmann’s over 1.2 million tax-exempt dollars. Her bill would have substantially increased this revenue.
Looking at the record of bills she introduced, there are many frivolous and time-wasting commemorative bills and little of substance that would benefit anyone. All of her bills died in committee except two. After eight years in office, the most important piece of legislation she passed was one listing the accomplishments of Minnesota, noting the state was first in turkey and sugar beet production.
In her effort to demonstrate her relevance, she took on the overwhelming task of attempting to rename the Ankora, Minnesota, Post Office after a WWII Marine hero. Unfortunately, her valiant effort failed when nobody bothered to vote on it.
So it is with profound sadness that we watch Michele Bachmann fade into the sunset. We will miss her . . . wait! What’s that rustling in the underbrush?
Could it be Tom Tancredo to the rescue?